Adjusting to the Loss of a Pet

Sandra B. Barker, Ph.D., LPC, NCC
Professor of Psychiatry
Director, Center for Human-Animal Interaction

It is no surprise to pet owners to learn of research documenting the close emotional bond that rapidly develops between people and their pets. For most of us, our pets represent so much: a loyal companion, confidant, and loving family member. Our pets share our lives for years and support us in good times and bad. So when a pet dies, or is lost or stolen, many of us feel a deep sense of loss and our lives suddenly seem turned upside down. We find ourselves on an emotional roller coaster crying one minute, angry the next, and numb at other times. We grieve and grief is a normal reaction to a significant loss. And losing a beloved pet is certainly a significant loss.

Unfortunately, many in our society don’t understand the unique bond we share with our dogs. They make insensitive comments such as, "It was just a dog, get over it" or "You can always get another one". Such comments might be well intentioned, but clearly reflect a lack of understanding of the close and unique bond that exists between most owners and their pets.

Grief is a normal, but individualized process. People grieve in their own way, based on their culture, beliefs, and past experiences with death and loss. For many, grief following the loss of a pet is very similar to grief following the loss of a family member or close friend. Owners often experience an initial period of shock to the news of the terminal illness or death of a pet, characterized by denial. In essence, our psychological defense systems kick in to protect us from the overwhelming news. Grief typically involves phases of feeling anger and guilt. This anger might be directed toward a veterinarian who was unable to save the pet, a careless driver who may have run over the pet, or the pet for dying and leaving the owner. Often the owners are angry at themselves for not being able to prevent the death and experience a great deal of guilt. Sadness is another phase typically experienced. The owner feels a deep void, an emptiness without the pet. Over time, if we allow ourselves to grieve, we reach a phase of recovery when we begin to reinvest our emotions and energy toward ourselves and other loved ones. A time when we remember more of the happy, special times shared with the deceased pet.